changes…

letitgo

I started this entry numerous times in my head, but never quite made it to print. These past two months ushered in some pretty big changes for me and I’m not good at juggling massive change with the day to day usual channels of communication and outlets. Anytime my routine is disrupted, all my energy gets redirected to focus on rebalancing. It’s exhausting, but if I don’t I get trapped in a perpetual cycle of anxiety and stress which is not healthy for me or anyone around me as meltdowns will inevitably follow. I needed time to let the dust settle and my anxiety dissipate before I could calm the chaos in my mind enough to articulate effectually and in full sentences. I am continuing to learn and understand so much about myself!

2015 ended with very mixed emotions. It was definitely a year of major highs and lows. Christmas proved to be more difficult than I anticipated. Every year we pack up and head to my parents for a day of food, conversation, and lots of laughter and shenanigans! I now understand the intense pangs of longing and why Christmas can be so difficult. The holiday evokes such an overwhelming emotional state of nostalgia that even without sadness, it stirs and tugs at the heart. Even the most untraditional adhere to their own unconventional habits; and when those habits are disrupted by an event as significant as death, the results can be catastrophic without a solid support system in place. I am so thankful for my family. We had a wonderful day! There was an unspoken determination to find the joy and expound on it. I was so proud of us as the day could have been consumed in melancholy; but I was also keenly sensitive to Dad’s absence. So many little instances pricked at my memories and caused tears to overflow unchecked. We did carve out some time that afternoon per my mother’s gentle prompting, to acknowledge his absence and celebrate his life through any memories or recollections that we wanted to share. It was the perfect ending to our new uncertain reality, full of laughter and tears and love.

I also married the love of my life last year. I’ve never known anyone like this gentle wonderful man I can now call my husband. I feel like I have been searching for him all my life and I am infinitely grateful that I am his. He is my best friend and confidant and has only ever expected me to be exactly who I am. His support for my journey has never wavered, and my diagnosis of Asperger’s did not diminish his acceptance of me. He is a gift, and I cannot adequately express how much I love him

2016 ushered in a major life change in my little fishbowl. I left my employment of the past five years to embark on a new journey. Exciting stuff! I mean it would’ve been exciting if my Aspie brain wasn’t so freaking freaked OUT! I deliberated over this new opportunity endlessly. Agonized. Weighed the pros & cons extensively. I’m pretty sure my husband thought I lost my mind. The job was a bit of a risk…and I am not typically a risk taker. I tend to dig in and get comfortable with the predictability of wherever I am at, even if it ceased to be a healthy coexistence. I always thought it was loyalty, but in truth, it is the predictability I covet, and my anxiety riddled mind was screaming obscenities at me for disrupting my predictable life.

It took A LOT of effort to calm the chaos and white noise; but the opportunity to get back into a field that I love and am passionate about overrode all my objections to stay predictable; and I am happy to report that thus far the disruption of my routine has been well worth it! I think my Dad would be proud.